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The Creepy Roommate

So I’m poor.  To try and help with the cost of living I have a roommate. My current roommate is an odd duck.  He is 43 and moved from Michigan to Nevada with one suitcase.  That’s it!  He has absolutely nothing.  Don’t worry I’m judging him too.  I try to think, “wow this guy has had a tough time too. It isn’t just me.”  But for fucks sakes he doesn’t even have a towel, no furniture, no nothin!  Although he does have one of those “white rapey van’s” - it’s vibe is so strong the ice cream truck refuses to drive through my block anymore.  But, I’m so desperate for money I need to rent a room to a person, that in all fairness could be a wanted criminal.  Background check?  With money? HA!!  Where is the adventure in that?  Instead my uncle, for my birthday, bought me a box of bullets for my .380.

He said, “Hey, it’s cheaper than running a background check.”  Much appreciated!

I’d rather not have a roommate.  I mean I would much rather have the freedom to walk around the house naked.  I hate when you get out of the shower and remember all your clean clothes are still in the dryer across the house.  Which means when you have a creepy guy roommate you have to stop, peek, and listen.  Then make a mad dash to the laundry room while your parts jiggle in the wind. Only to make it through the living room to find that your roommate was in the kitchen the whole time so you are in full view as you pass into the laundry room.

I would love to invest in a robe. But once again you are faced with that tough choice. Robe or ramen noodles? By the way if you think ramen noodles are gross in your 20’s, they are far more disgusting in your 30’s. I remember it well. I was in mid my 20’s when I bought my home and I had a good job. I was in the store and this middle aged woman came through the aisle and had a cart with mostly ramen noodles in it. I thought thank god I am past that point in my life. I will never have to eat them again. Well I was dead wrong. I would like to convey that it does not matter how you dress it up or how much you drown it in siracha, they still taste like crappy ramen noodles.


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